Rather than do any of the housework which so desperately needs to be done, I decided instead to yield to the siren song of the blog....I've resisted for a long time now, figuring there was enough spewing of thoughts to keep people entertained, but finally figured, why not spew my own? They are just as valuable. Besides, if my brother can do it, why can't I?
What's weird is that I even feel the need to post why I decided to start blogging....like some half-ass manifesto. Not enough that I simply want to do it....no, I have to explain why. One of my neuroses, I guess.
Anyway, so setting things up has been interesting. My feminist side came roaring to the forefront when I couldn't find "Homemaker" or something comparable in the "Industry" portion of the profile. Now it's possible that it's there and I am just blind, but I looked. Twice. So wtf is that about? I feel insecure enough about staying at home while my husband works without feeling like I don't have a "real job". I don't need a website reinforcing that view. Staying at home is nice in many ways, but there's no denying that it's an undervalued role in our society. What's worse is that it is often undervalued by ME.
Now, this could be counteracted to a certain extent if I were more vigilant about the housework, but frankly, it's difficult to motivate myself to clean. Susie Homemaker I'm not. Usually, I leave it until it's just driving me crazy and I feel I have to clean. Fortunately, my husband is even less likely to notice messes than I am and so he doesn't come home from work and ask "Why didn't you clean today?" While I complain for 2 weeks about how dirty the kitchen is and how I really need to clean it (yet never do), he listens very patiently....or, more likely, tunes me out. He's admitted freely that he tunes me out when I complain about something repeatedly. I should be mad about that, but really, it seems like a sound coping strategy. I know if I had to listen to that from someone else, repeatedly, I'd get pretty tired of it too.
One aspect of staying home that really does suck is feeling unimportant and like I dropped off the face of the planet. I do spend some time with my neighbor, who is also at home, but I miss having more friends, like I used to. I see old friends maybe every few months, which is weird for me since I used to see them every day at work. Then when I do see them, I don't have much to say for myself, as it's hard to come up with life stories when you spend your day with the cat. So I feel boring....I've found the best thing to do is let them talk and respond to that. I spend a lot of time on the internet as well, so it's easy enough to keep up on current events; the trick is to mention them without necessarily getting into religion/politics subjects as that can be touchy.
I often feel guilty, too, since my poor husband is solely supporting us financially. I keep telling him I feel like a leech....at which point he responds, "Well, I don't think you're a leech! That's YOUR issue. Stay home as long as you like." This is pretty reassuring to hear, even if it's said in an impatient tone lol. Still, it's very strange to lean completely on another person when I have been used to making my own money since I was 14. Thank god we have a strong relationship and I'm not worried about him running off with some 20-year-old named Bambi.
The good thing is, soon I will be forced to become more productive at the house. We're expecting our first child in September and that will keep me a lot busier throughout the day. My hope is that this will make me feel that I contribute more (because I will be!). I just hope I can continue to stay home. Despite the boredom, the isolation, and the financial factor, I do not want to return to work once that baby is here, if at all possible.
A Warped Sense of Reality
9 months ago