You'd think someone who's wanted a baby for years and totally planned her pregnancy would be more excited than scared at this point. Sophia is due Sept 14 and I am just terrified. I don't have all the stuff I need yet, which makes me very anxious. The bigger issue, however, is I'm just not sure I'm going to be a good mom. I don't have the patience I think I should, nor do I particularly enjoy playing games with little kids. But I don't want to be one of those moms who resents their kids and parks them in the playpen in front of the TV all day either.
It probably doesn't help that I've been watching my neighbor's baby this week. He's a good baby, and a cute one, but needy. I don't mean he needs food or diaper changes or things like that, because those are normal and no big deal. It's that you can't put him down for a more than a minute before he starts crying to be picked up again. His mom carries him around all day apparently, and so he expects the same from me. I love holding and cuddling with him, but when he's crying because I have to put him down on the floor for 2 minutes so I can pee, it becomes a bit of an issue. Especially when I have to pee about every 25-30 minutes. Vic told me maybe I should try to break him of this habit, but I'm not sure it's worth it for only 2 more days of watching him. I don't think he'll learn that quickly and will just cry the entire time. If I were watching him for a longer period of time, I'd put up with that so he would learn, but it's hard to undo 11 mths of training in just a few hours. In any case, I feel a sense of relief when his mom comes to pick him up--which really scares me, as soon I'll have my own and no one will be coming to pick her up.
So, I'm just starting to wonder if having my daughter is going to be like this too. I'm hoping the whole maternal love thing will kick in so I enjoy being a mom. I feel a bond with her, but it's still more abstract in some ways than I expect it to be when she's actually here. At least I hope the bond will get stronger. And I enjoy being pregnant so much--rubbing my belly and feeling her kick in particular--but I'm not sure I'm ready for the actual child herself. I know that, ready or not, Sophia's coming in 2 months but it's just freaking me out!
A Warped Sense of Reality
1 year ago