The clock is ticking down...

I'm in my 38th week and have been playing the waiting game for the past couple weeks. I am ready to meet the baby, and to not be pregnant anymore! I am apprehensive about the upcoming life changes, and kinda wish I could have a couple days to just sleep and relax between pregnancy and taking care of a baby, but I am also increasingly excited to meet Sophia.

I find myself getting a bit short-tempered lately, a state probably brought on by hormones, the suspense of waiting, and the tendency of people to ask me "So have you had that baby yet?" and "How ARE you?" every day. I'm still good at smiling and answering politely but I can feel the strain! Vic has even commented on it as he is asked the same questions at work. The first thoughts that tend to pop into our heads are generally along the lines of "Yes, we had the baby and didn't tell anyone!" (especially when it's his MOM who asks) and "Still freakin pregnant, how do you think I am?" My impatience is pretty sad when I'm still a week and a half from my due date, but it doesn't help when everyone else reminds me daily that I'm still waiting. Vic has said that maybe he should start making stuff up, just to give a different answer when asked how I am. It's either that or discuss dilation and mucus plug status, both of which are a bit TMI for most people :b

Anyway, I am excited to see Sophia. It will be nice to be able to meet her, see her, and make sure she's ok. She scared me a bit this past week by reducing movement, and it's not like I can do a visual check on her. It'd be pretty sweet if I could--pregnant women need an abdominal window with a light, like an oven! The doctor said she was fine but sent me to labor & delivery at the hospital for a nonstress test, where they monitored her heart rate and my contractions for about 40 minutes, and of course everything was fine. I was a bit embarrassed at even being there and told the nurse I was mostly there for my own peace of mind, to which she very kindly replied that it was a great reason to come in :) So that was nice. It was pretty exciting being at L&D too, and a lot more comfortable than it will be in the near future lol. I saw a girl checking in due to labor who was in my childbirth education class. She was eerily calm. It's not that I expected her to be constantly screaming or anything, but she did not visibly show any contractions in the five minutes or so that I saw her. I hope I have her calm when it's my time, but knowing myself, I doubt it.

Speaking of contractions, prodromal labor sucks. I've been contracting on and off for over 2 weeks now and in the past week they've definitely gotten more intense. They still aren't terribly painful or anything, but they are uncomfortable, annoying, and increase the suspense of waiting. Last night I woke up at 2:30 am due to a contraction that stretched all the way around my lower front, hips, and back. Then I couldn't fall back asleep because I was having more of them--still far apart, but more frequent than in the past. Just about the time I was getting excited, however, they grew further apart again--so frustrating! I was awake until about 5 am anyway though. I spent part of the time running through the few last minute items I'd like to accomplish before she shows up, and the rest of the time just trying to get back to sleep. Sleep has been frequently interrupted for the past several months but this week, insomnia is definitely getting worse. Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and couldn't get back to sleep. So the difficulty sleeping doesn't help me remain patient with these contractions. I know they are helping me progress, but it is a very slooooow process.

I may be pregnant, but I'm not made of freakin' glass!

Yesterday Vic's grandfather was giving me crap....he only speaks Spanish, but I got the gist of it. He was upset because I had the effrontery to stand on a chair while pregnant and he thought I would fall and injure myself and/or the baby. Now, I get that he was just concerned, but it pissed me off. I told him in my crappy broken Spanish that I was being careful and it was fine. (As an FYI, the chair was very sturdy, my feet were flat on it the entire time, and I was paying close attention to my balance as I cleaned the bookshelf.)

So two minutes later, I'm off the chair but he comes back to tell me once again I shouldn't do stuff like that. Once again, I tell him it's fine! I didn't have the vocabulary to fully express my feelings but I'm sure the angry, impatient look on my face tipped him off.

Then, yesterday evening when Vic's mom calls him, she starts telling him what happened and that I need to be more careful. I knew this would happen! No incident is too small for drama, with people pushing in where they don't need to. Vic has already listened to me grumble about this incident, and is on my side (or at least so he tells me) so he just starts telling her "Bye" on the phone. This is apparently his way of telling her he doesn't agree and doesn't want to discuss the topic at hand.

Of course, this call just pissed me off a second time and he had to listen to me rant about everything all over again....though I could tell he wasn't really listening to my repeated vent--just "uh huh"ing at appropriate moments :b

Next time I see his mom, no doubt I will hear about it for a third time. And I will go off! It'll make her mad, but I do not care. After 9 months, I am just soooo tired of being treated like I am a child, too stupid to be able to make decisions about what is safe for myself and my daughter and what is not. I'm pregnant, not broken!

Getting nervous....

You'd think someone who's wanted a baby for years and totally planned her pregnancy would be more excited than scared at this point. Sophia is due Sept 14 and I am just terrified. I don't have all the stuff I need yet, which makes me very anxious. The bigger issue, however, is I'm just not sure I'm going to be a good mom. I don't have the patience I think I should, nor do I particularly enjoy playing games with little kids. But I don't want to be one of those moms who resents their kids and parks them in the playpen in front of the TV all day either.

It probably doesn't help that I've been watching my neighbor's baby this week. He's a good baby, and a cute one, but needy. I don't mean he needs food or diaper changes or things like that, because those are normal and no big deal. It's that you can't put him down for a more than a minute before he starts crying to be picked up again. His mom carries him around all day apparently, and so he expects the same from me. I love holding and cuddling with him, but when he's crying because I have to put him down on the floor for 2 minutes so I can pee, it becomes a bit of an issue. Especially when I have to pee about every 25-30 minutes. Vic told me maybe I should try to break him of this habit, but I'm not sure it's worth it for only 2 more days of watching him. I don't think he'll learn that quickly and will just cry the entire time. If I were watching him for a longer period of time, I'd put up with that so he would learn, but it's hard to undo 11 mths of training in just a few hours. In any case, I feel a sense of relief when his mom comes to pick him up--which really scares me, as soon I'll have my own and no one will be coming to pick her up.

So, I'm just starting to wonder if having my daughter is going to be like this too. I'm hoping the whole maternal love thing will kick in so I enjoy being a mom. I feel a bond with her, but it's still more abstract in some ways than I expect it to be when she's actually here. At least I hope the bond will get stronger. And I enjoy being pregnant so much--rubbing my belly and feeling her kick in particular--but I'm not sure I'm ready for the actual child herself. I know that, ready or not, Sophia's coming in 2 months but it's just freaking me out!